OMG

Im sorry but she is beautifu... I swear.

She is just beautiful

milk :-D

Im feeling gooood. Im actually feelin like myself, something Ive been missin for a long time. Im out of my rut.
Last night was very refreshing. Cant complain. I think alot is goin on this weekend. Im gonna milk it for all its worth :-D
- eraz -

Countdown...

Im not sure of what to think. Ive been delaying important things, but have been pretty steady with my workouts this week. In fact Ive made some excellent strides with my lifts for both chest and legs. Im quite proud of them. I found out that a friend of mine is slangin the Juice. Its funny.
I watched an episode of O.C. today called "the countdown". It was the new years eve episode. It didnt mean much to me till they showed Ryan running up an inordinate amount of stairs to get to the Pent house suite to be there for Marissa. Yeah that in itself didnt strike a blow, just that when he was running up the stairs, I had a flashback moment. It was nice going back to that. Ive changed quite a bit since then... I feel reinforced,like my apathy has no bounds.
My good friend Ryan is getting married this weekend. I am happy for him.Although,I am starting to realize that he isnt that much older than me, and thats something Im going to have to face oneday. Before that theres a huge list of things that Im gonna have to do:
graduate, Get a job, travel, compete, grow up, grow up, grow up :-D
I was reading this bulletin posted by a friend today about being a 90's kid. Man that brought back so many memories. I smiled through the whole thing.Anyways I'll try to get some sleep now. Gnite.
- eraz -

Episode 19

I just finished watching episode 19 of the O.C. I was ok, but towards the end they played Ryan Adams - Wonderwall. And without warning my wall came crashing down. I thought I was passed this. I thought I had locked this away, but Im back listening to that song again.
It flooded my head with memories I had forgotten. I suddenly found myself comparing an episode from Roswell. I remember us sitting on the san jac floor, eating mexican food, watching rosewell. What am I doing ???? I never understood her, she never made sense to me, she was erratic, irrational, and blunt. I was just blunt when I wasnt sober. Suddenly my naustalgia is turning into a hurting stomach crossed with a vomit-like taste in my mouth.
I guess I lost my ability to care.

Movies ????

A good friend of mine made me realize that he is in love... its been a while and it still has value to him. Im not sure why Im using him as a reference point. I guess I want to be in love. Ive had it before, it would stay, and kind of sink. Then I'd be left wondering of what it was to begin with. I guess I defined my life by moments when I loved... which would mean that I only lived twice. I am lost once again, and left wanting.

Movies ????

A good friend of mine made me realize that he is in love... its been a while and it still has value to him. Im not sure why Im using him as a reference point. I guess I want to be in love. Ive had it before, it would stay, and kind of sink. Then I'd be left wondering of what it was to begin with. I guess I defined my life by moments when I loved... which would mean that I only lived twice. I am lost once again, and left wanting.

happy

Old songs bring back flashes
from an old memory
something emerging from the ashes
of this burnt down tree

Feelin different from what was
essentially a good part of me
Im feeling lighter all because
Ive let go, Im finally free

Im learning of no more yearning
looking for an early warning
Im far away from the past
this new breeze will last

In my mind, at times my heart
it began once on a beach
cant wait for it start
possibilites within a reach

Im happy
so I'll end it here
think Im sleepy
I think thats clear