Hmmm closing out this year .. may be

"I got a small circle, I’m not with different crews
We walk the same path, but got on different shoes". - Lil Wayne

So I never got around to writing on/after the day of my graduation. I suppose this entry is long overdue. Where should I begin? Between writing this and the preceding entry, I managed to get employed, move to the galleria area, and then get unemployed and essentially revert back to square one.
Lets discuss my brief stint with being employed and then I will delve into my thoughts and realizations at the moment. I took a job as a Geotechnical Engineer that entailed spending 45-55% of the time offshore with the remainder being spent in the office performing analyses and desk studies. If you haven't read my previous entry (it is probably safe to assume that no one really ever reads this blog) you may not be aware that I received my training as offshore structural engineer and very little of my training went into geotechnical engineering. Nonetheless, as I began working, I excelled at the office and lacked motivation offshore. The shear amount of time (3 out of 6 months) I spent offshore took a toll on me and made me realize that this isn't what I wanted to do. Long story short, I don't work there anymore.
So I turned 26 today, and I don't feel particularly older, but I do feel like I am not who I used to be. I spent my birthday, applying for different engineering jobs, assessing my goals and what I want/need to be doing the next 5 years. I also did a bit of solo drinking at the house as well (it puts things in perspective). I felt sorry for myself, and then I began to think about if "it" got as "good" as "it" could "get" for me. My parents have both worked through their birthdays with no particular "time off" or "bonuses" or anything. Sure, we got them gifts but I don't know if it was ever anything that they wanted (they never voiced if otherwise either). I wonder if they even have much expectations left after years of being disappointed. I feel like I'm heading that way. I am sure my dad is happy doing what he does, for I feel that he excels at what he does, but I know that my mother hates her job; yet she goes to work everyday and has been for a decade now. I don't want to live a life full of disappointments; but I don't know if I can ever get away from it. I am pretty sure that my disappointments are hard-coded into me, my mannerisms, and possibly my subconscious. I am starting to wonder if this is one possible reason behind having children. It is obvious that the childhood dreams, if it hasn't come to fruition already, will most likely not be seen made to reality. So why not have children and live vicariously through them? I don't want that for myself. I hope I don't have to see it that way.
- e -

32 days until MAY 15, 2010

So as it turns out, I will be graduating (finally) on May 15, 2010; I have 32 days left of college. Ive been real busy with my Design Project, this whole semesters; still there is sooooo much left to do. I was working on the project every week, and almost every week, one program or another would "crap out" on me. First, the SESAM model wouldn't transfer the hydrodynamic loads, so we couldn't do any dynamic analysis. So, I switched over to SACS and began doing my analysis of the structure using tubular beam elements. It worked wonderfully, and I was able to perform static analysis using non-linear soil/pile interactions. This encouraged me to attempt a Deterministic Fatigue Analysis (not spectral fatigue - that would be ideal), but that crapped out on me. But I think I have found a way around that (I think I had too many load cases, and may be I should take out all of them and leave the Wave loads in alone). Either way, now I'm studying for an Underwater Acoustics exam; its an interesting class, but I kind of find it rather useless to a Structural Engineer (Me). I was lifting quite regularly, and then I injured my shoulder (I dont know if it is a tear, or a sprain) so I turned my attention towards the design project.
By the way, I do go to Bangladesh for a week. The flight down there was fun, but the trip was ruined by my mom, so I dint speak to her for 2.5 months straight. Its not like Ive been speaking to her lately anyway.
I should get back to studying; I know I'll write in this once again around the days before my graduation.

One Year Later ... more like 1 and some change

MMMM man how can I summarize all that has happened to me since 2008 in a few sentences ? I suppose I can't so I'll just write about what I've been doing this past semester. Note: I look at long lengths of time in "semesters" since its much easier for me to keep track of that then what month I may be in. This semester is 1 of my 2 last semesters left in as an undergrad. So I've been busy designing a 50 windmill offshore wind far that is proposed 9 miles or so outside of Galveston, Tx. Interestingly enough, I learned alot about alternative energy since we had to evaluate alternatives many of times. I do see the need to go green, but I cant make it financially "worth it" when I compare it to its "Not-so-green" counterparts. Enough about that. I've gotten real fat since I backed off from my "bodybuilding" hopes and dreams and decided to devote all of my energy into engineering, for now. In fact, my waist size went up from 30 inches to 34 inches. I dont even want to know how much actual muscle I carry on me now a days. I've just finished my Subsea Pipeline Design exam and have 3 more finals to go and then I'll be going to Bangladesh. Its been 13 years or so since we moved to the U.S. and havnet returned since. I managed to research a few places to go see, while in Dhaka (mostly Malls, and a few tourist spots). Hmmm, I probably would just end up staying in while in Dhaka, oh well.
I recently wrote a research paper on Freak Waves, and I had to give a presentation over that today. Did you know that a Freak wave can generate as much as a 100 MT/square meter of pressure ? Crazy Huh ? Specially since, typical ocean going vessels are designed to withstand 15 MT/square meter of pressure, so when one encounters a Freak wave, its never pretty.
My Terabyte Hardrive crashed on me, and I dont know how to recover all the "trapped" data, and now its just sitting in my truck. May be I'll take it over to Fry's or something.
Anyway, back to my fatness; I keep telling myself that I'll get exercising again, in fact, I was exercising everyday, till the beginning of this semester, and then that had to stop, cos school got demanding once more. I want to get back in shape again, and I want to do that this upcoming semester; may be I'll make this my new years resolution.
Hmmm, Im sleepy, so I think Im gonna take a nap in the MASE senior design lab now.
- E -

AT Cstat and diggin'

HAHAHA, no words ... last night was another priceless night with the Apaches, celebrating ZP's 22nd birthday. Me and the Jet threw down for about an hour and we've got bruises to show for it (I got grilled on my temple). But now I'm jammin to some Incubus - Dig and felt as if the song connected to me.

We all have a weakness,
but, some of ours are easy to identify, l
ook me in the eye.
and ask for forgiveness,

we'll make a pact
to never speak that word again,
yes, you are my friend.

We all have something that digs in us,
at least we dig each other.
So when weakness turns my ego up
I know you'll count on the me from yesterday.

If I turn into another
dig me up from under what is covering
the better part of me.

Sing this song
remind me that we'll always have
each other
when everything else is gone.

We all have a sickness
that cleverly attaches
and multiplies
no matter how we try.

We all have someone that digs in us,
at least we dig each other.
So when sickness turns my ego up
I know you'll act as a clever medicine.

If I turn into another,
dig me up from under
what is covering
The better part of me.

Sing this song!
Remind me that we'll always have
each other
when everything else is gone.

Oh, each other
when everything else is gone.

A FUCKING BADASS

I am a fucking BADASS. I thought I should post an entry about how badass I am.

Rest Stop

Its been kind of a weird day; it started normally but throught out the day it was an emotional roller coaster. I'm feeling blah even though I have no reason to feel like this. Either way, I felt like listening to a song I had long forgotten.

Just three miles from the rest stop
And she slams on the breaks
She said I tried to be but I'm not
And could you please collect your things

I don't wanna be cold
I don't wanna be cruel
But I gotta find more
Than what's happening with you
If you'd - open up the door

She said - while you were sleeping
I was listening to the radio
And wondering what you're dreaming when
It came to mind that I didn't care

So I thought - hell if it's over
I had better end it quick
Or I could lose my nerve
Are you listening - can you hear me

Have you forgotten

Just three miles from the rest stop
And my mouth's too dry to rage
The light was shining from the radio
I could barely see her face

But she knew all the words that I never had said
She knew the crumpled-up promise of this Broken down man -
and as I opened up the door

She said - while you were sleeping
I was listening to the radio
And wondering what you're dreaming when
It came to mind that I didn't care

So I thought - hell if it's over
I had better end it quick
Or I could lose my nerve
Are you listening - can you hear me

Have you forgotten

She said - while you were sleeping
I was listening to the radio
And wondering what you're dreaming when
It came to mind that I didn't care

So I thought - hell if it's over
I had better end it quick
Or I could lose my nerve
Are you listening - can you hear me

While you were sleeping
I was listening to the radio
And wondering what you're dreaming when
It came to mind that I didn't care

So I thought - hell if it's over
I had better end it quick
Or I could lose all my nerve
Are you listening - can you hear me

Matchbox 20 - rest stop

Timbaland ft. OneRepublic - Apologize

I'm holding on your rope,
Got me ten feet off the ground
And I'm hearing what you say
but I just can't make a sound

You tell me that you need me
Then you go and cut me down, but wait
You tell me that you're sorry
Didn't think I'd turn around, and say...

that it's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late

I'd take another chance,
take a fall Take a shot for you
And I need you like a heart needs a beat
But it's nothing new - yeah
I loved you with the a fire red

Now it's turning blue, and you say...
I'm sorry like an angel
heaven let me think was you
But I'm afraid...

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, yeah
I said it's too late to apologize, yeah
I'm holding on your rope,
got me ten feet... off the ground...