Dark Clouds, Rain, and Thunder

Ive been having sleeping problems. I just cant fall asleep anymore, unless Ive been drinking or taking sleeping aids. While I was trying to sleep though, I was having random thoughts go in and out of my head and I came across something that just made me want to write. I want to be friends with F, but Im not sure of how to approach her. I dont even see her as human anymore, which makes no sense to me, and would normally hinder the need to want to be friends with her. Something tells me that the F I knew will come back oneday ... but then again... what if I made it up??? WHat if the qualities I gave her ... were never there ??? Then it would make no sense to why the old F means sooooo much to me, cos if it were imaginary, I'd be hating her. Ppl tell me that I still love M. I think I love a version of M. The version that bore the pain, the fight, the drama, the restlessness. I definately enjoyed our last moments together, when all that surrounded me and her was this air of distrust and hurt, yet it was exciting.It was firey, the kind that consumed all that we built, sad but beautiful, both at the same time. A good friend of mine assured me that I get bored when things go smoothly and begin chipping away at the flow of things in hopes of drama. I think she might have a point there. Why else would I still be suffering when I have no one driving me insane... when I loathe the pressure of always being good, while, I miss the lust for being bad in secret. I make no sense to me. I think those around me, get a better grasp of me than I do myself. I dont think I want bunnys and rainbows, I think i want dark clouds , rain, and thunder.