Nothing ever changes

I remember telling myself that I would never do this again, the last time I terminated my xanga account. I thought I wasnt going to need this again. I guess things dont ever change.
I just got back from houston, and this weekend is very blurry to me, except for times I was sober, and possibly walking around up and down the French Quarter. I've made my mind and my body pay a lot for my weakness with handling all that has failed me. I think that is why I drove to NOLA this weekend. The drive up was a torture. I drove through craptacular traffic while I had the heater on full blast, cos I was worried that my car would over heat. I was quite wired as well. I've been having a difficult time with falling asleep lately. I do try to sleep, but I ust end up thinking about how she left me. I dont know what is holding me up. She has moved on, and Ive tried, and everything that shines back at me, reminds me of her... and then I run for the door. I wondered if I still loved her... Im not sure if I dont... but I know that I cant handle being around her. I wondered if all she wanted was to destroy something...may be even someone. So I figured that the only reason that I cant fall asleep is because of questions that I need answered.
I have actually been missing a person I once new. She saw me with my flaws and she was happy. I dont know her anymore, and that breaks me.I dont recognize her smile at all. I was busy trying to keep those close to me from changing, but ended up just keeping myself the same. I didnt change, I just got weaker.I'm always looking to break away. I've been wanting to move as far away as I can from my past. Ive come to accept the possibilty of my family being the only people that will ever try to know me. I want to live by the ocean.